That's (Not) Hot
by LionessInTheSmoke
Summary: Merlin makes most of his sartorial mistakes when circumstances force him to wear the least. Rating for language.


**AN - It's hot, Scots do not do well in hot weather. Not even those of us who voluntarily relocate to warmer Southern climes. Sorry Merlin.**

 **Warning for swearing and partial nudity, but it is clean nudity.**

 **Not what I said I was NaNo-ing. One day, I will finish that. But not today.**

* * *

"Ah, Eggsy." Harry smiled a friendly greeting. "Caught you just in time."

Eggsy sauntered to a stop in front of his mentor and raised a questioning eyebrow. It looked very much like Harry was guarding the entrance to Merlin's (man-bat-)tech (cave-)office.

"'Right there Arthur?" He asked. "I was just on me way to talk to Merlin."

"Yes." Harry replied, politely not mentioning just how obvious that fact was as there was absolutely nothing else down here. A sensible precaution against things that might go ' _boom_ ' interfering with the smooth running of other parts of the compound. "Do you have good news or bad news about the modifications you were testing?"

Eggsy sucked on his teeth and considered; "Definite improvement. Not up to his usual standard though."

"For goodness sake, do not say that to him." Harry said, looking nervously about and making pacifying 'keep it down' gestures with his hands.

"Okay Harry. What's going on?" Eggsy asked folding his arms and giving a no-nonsense look, one he'd learned from his mum rather than Merlin as Harry seemed to have developed an immunity to that one. "Why are you hanging about in the corridor like some kind of henchie?"

"It is 22 degrees outside." Harry explained in typical 'not really explaining anything' fashion.

"Yeeeees." Eggsy acknowledged. He knew that, he was wearing a nice Summer suit with a causal shirt and no tie as a result. Eggsy liked hot weather because it resulted in the relaxing of usual tie conventions. Just because he could now tie the damned things on his own, in several different ways he was proud to add, did not mean he had to like them.

"You may have noticed it is warmer down here?" Harry continued.

"Yeah, machines running, lighting, lack of airflow."

"Correct." Harry nodded. "Merlin is Scottish."

"I know Merlin is fucking Scottish Harry, are you testing my nogging for late concussion or sumthin'? Should I be testin' you? You's not terribly coherent right just this minute."

"He doesn't cope well with anything over 20 degrees. It is 24 out here and in there ..."

"The secret snowman boyfriend you built yourself one Winter as a lonely posh kid has melted. He is a puddle and you are keeping him in a bucket and guarding his lair so no one finds out?" Eggsy said, finding it frankly hard to believe that Merlin the Invincible had any weaknesses at all.

"My partner has taken most of his clothes off and has still turned into a puddle. A very, very short-tempered puddle." Harry replied, automatically filtering out all of Eggsy's nonsense.

"Hate to break your rosy glasses here Harry, but I doubt his disposition has never exactly been what could be described as 'sweet'."

"For Christ's sake Eggsy, just try and have a little self-preservation when you go in there and do not laugh at him." Harry said.

"Heat getting to you 'n' all Boss?" Eggsy asked, taken aback by Harry's sharp tone.

"Forgive me, Eggsy." Harry ran a hand through his hair, which was reacting badly to the humidity and added to his somewhat frazzled look. "I am concerned he'll give himself heatstroke. He inherited many positive traits from the Italian half of his family considering the collection of miscreants involved, but unfortunately heat-resistance was not one of them."

"So you coming in with me to make sure I don't put me foot in it then?"

"I am coming in with you. I am not sure the rest can be guaranteed knowing both of you."

"Well, I doubt being late with me report will get us off to a good start." Eggsy indicated the door.

Harry nodded, turned the handle and waited for Eggsy to pass. Eggsy took a step into the office and stopped abruptly, staring helplessly. He started at the bottom and worked his way slowly upwards, taking in the full horror in manageable chunks.

Merlin was wearing white tennis socks. Each of his feet was sat in its own bowl of iced-water. Most of his firm, hairy legs were on display. All the way up to the bulging, black cotton boxers. Eggsy thought vaguely it was probably a good thing they were black so sweat patches were not immediately obvious. He also thought, as his eyes seemed to have gotten temporarily stuck, that the content causing the boxers to bulge was probably one of the things Harry rated as a positive trait of his partner's Italian genetics. Merlin was completely naked from the waist up. His chest hair was glittering and he had several rivers running over his washboard abs. He was wearing wet sweatbands on his wrists, which did little to cover the whorls of blue ink that ran up both arms and across his shoulder blades. He had a towel across his neck. On his head, he wore a wet handkerchief that was knotted at all four corners. He was hunched over a keyboard, typing with one hand whilst wiping his face with the towel and clearly attempting to make sure as little of his body as possible came into contact with the chair and that he didn't drip too much onto the keys.

"No." Said Eggsy, shaking his head in denial. "No one actually wears a knotted handkerchief on their heads. We are not in a Monty Python sketch!"

A fan switched itself on before anyone could reply and Eggsy's eyes sought out the source of the sound. It was under Merlin's desk. Positioned to blow directly between his legs.

"The fuck?! Cooling both brains, Guv?" Eggsy asked. "You wanna be careful you don't catch a chill."

Merlin shot him a look that eloquently told him to count all the fucks clearly not being given at this time.

"I gotta get outta here before I weird completely out." Eggsy said to no one in particular, deciding that the short and sweet version was all Merlin needed until normal service was resumed. He honestly couldn't see Kingsman's tech wizard being of any real use to anyone until England's weather got back to its usual cool and overcast self. He certainly did not look like he was going to be coming up with anything eureka-like today. "The mods are good, but it still clanks in reverse."

Merlin nodded but didn't bother to look up again.

"I've run out of Irn-bru, Harry." He said miserably.

Eggsy turned on his heel and walked back out into the safety and sanity of the corridor.

"I'll see to it, Darling. And bring you a fresh towel." Harry soothed, then followed Eggsy out and closed the door.

"That is sooooo wrong Harry." Eggsy said pointing at the door in case there was any confusion about what he was referring to. "What did I just see?"

"A suffering Scot." Harry replied. "Be glad that is all you saw, or you could have ended up ruined for life."

"You wot?" Eggsy asked, wondering what could have been worse whilst simultaneously trying very hard not to think about what he had actually seen.

"Merlin is _Scottish_." Harry emphasized once again. "Those are my boxers." He smiled wickedly. "Don't you think we would have gotten him some that actually fit him, if he regularly wore them?"

* * *

 **AN2 - It is too hot for anything other than underwear. Bring on the rain.**


End file.
